I ran a bath and soaked in creme brulee
scented bubbles and Francesca Lia
until my fingertips wrinkled up
and negativity lost hold on the
almost start of my holiday
break.

And then I took a cold shower, slipped into my slinky new robe, and checked email.
Reminders of why I wanted something relaxing. This is still what I'd like for Christmas.

It's been a while since I've run away. Or is it running towards something? (It feels like) I haven't done either in a long time.

I picked up Violet & Claire again. This book always reminds me about ambition, and wonder in innocence. Two halves, one whole, we're all just pieces of each other.

I found Necklace of Kisses (in hardcover) on Amazon, for a dollar used. A dollar. Even with shipping it was cheaper than the cost of transportation if I were to get the book from the library (x2, if you count the trip to return it too), and I get to keep it for more than just 3 weeks. I also still had some value left over in one of my gift certificates, so I really didn't actually pay any money for the book.

I ordered it a couple of weeks ago, and it finally showed up today. It was listed as used, but it's brand new. I think the description also said something about wear on the cover jacket, but I don't see anything. I can't believe I got a book I wanted, brand new and hardcover, for only a dollar!

I showed J and told him this when I got home, and it turns out that he had ordered NoK too, for me for Christmas. Oops. :)

The first time I saw you, you were sitting cross-legged on his bed in his dark basement room, paper journals (and books?) piled in your lap. You had a pen in hand, poised over a page in the middle of the journal on the top of the stack. I don't remember if you were writing in it, or if it was open because you were reading out of it.

( You were always his friend ), but when I showed you the userpics to choose between last night, and you said you liked the first one best because it makes you think of Claire, I just about jumped up and squealed with glee. Silly, I know. But Francesca Lia is love.

I should have been able to guess that you were a fan too, I don't know why that never came together in my head. But I always thought you were cool, slinkster-cool. I also still think it's awesome that you still always carry around a journal with you wherever you go.

How do you dream when you have realized all your dreams, when everything you've longed for and wanted has become your reality?

I feel so lost. Do I really have everything I've wished for, or have I only settled? Did I set my goals too low and that's why I've reached them?

I've been feeling pretty down the last few days; I've just been hiding it better than usual( ... )

Maybe sleep and tea(+honey) will rid my body of the bug that's been going around, stop these alternating sneezing fits and clogged up sinuses, the hot/cold flashes and sweats.

& maybe 2 of my favorite FLB characters will cure me of my writing dry spell, give me back that ambition I used to have. I just finished Violet and Claire again, and have the Weetzie Bat books and Echo on my nightstand, and The Rose and the Beast nearby.

I think it was you who got me started on FLB's books. You *were* Echo, and you made me want to be Echo, to let go of reality and fall into a glittery world of glittery words, of myth and fairytale. I need to pick up that book again, and re-read my collection of FLBs. Maybe it'll help me find what I've lost.

The entries you wrote might have been over-exaggerated, or complete lies even. That doesn't change how much I enjoyed them – back then, I used my friends page as a reading list, I didn't think so much about the people behind the words. You didn't have to be physically beautiful, you just had to believe you were, and your words too. And I think yours were the first I read that made something so dark and ugly seem so pretty.

i could feel the deer-in-headlights look glazed over my face as i stepped towards the door of the train, then step back, unsure if this was the one that would take me into the city, unsure if i was standing on the right platform for boarding. it's been a long time since i got onto the bart from its 12th street station. the sign over my head flashed "san francisco / daly city, 10 car train" but the announcement i heard was "pittsburg / bay point now boarding."

the doors were closing in my indecision, but some guy in a business suit thrust his arm through the gap and the doors opened back up. i considered getting in for another moment; the car did look like it was filled with people who would be headed towards san francisco.

i stepped off the train at 8:44 when we had arrived at the civic center station. i climbed onto the escalator feeling groggy; any other day, i'd still be in bed, asleep. the past couple of months have thrown my body into a sleep cycle that consists of going to bed at 4 and waking up at noon. or later.

orientation was scheduled to start at 9. even though i had gotten there early, there was a line. a handful of people x10 had gotten there earlier than me. by the time i stepped through the door, the line had already snaked around the lobby and into the next room.

i obtained my packet, and my list of items to check off for clearance. i filled out my address forms and proceeded over to inside track. a boy also on his way there introduced himself as ryan, and we were in awe as we stepped through the doors of the white building they had pointed out to us from across the street. it looked more like the lobby to a museum or a hotel, or something. it was too fancy for a school. we signed in at the front desk and headed for the elavator. the door was reflected on the inside and the lighting was ambient as we rode up to the 9th floor.

inside track is geared towards guiding students towards sucess. my "coach" is julie. as she explained that we would have 20-30minute check in sessions each week, i was wondering why i needed this and why i needed the 2hour zero credit class titled "student success" in my schedule. let me find my own motivation.

after i got signed off, i walked back to the main building across the street and waited in line for the admin person. ahead of me was a black girl dressed in hot pink high tops, and a flower in her hair with the same hot pink color. the rest of her outfit was denim. she told me her name was fabiola and that she was here to major in fashion.

i got my file at the admin desk completed, and i made sure my classes from coa and ucsc transfered over. then i had to visit financial aid on the 4th floor to sign the new plan with credits. i'm still clueless on how this works, but they're supposed to explain it all later.

with all the items checked off my list, i was able to pick up my new schedule. because of my transfer credits, my english composition class and computer applications class in the original schedule i had been given are now replaced by image manipulation and effective speaking on tuesdays and thursdays from 6-10pm, which does fuck with the nicely blocked schedule i had originally.

it's 10:30 and i've already completed everything i needed to get done. the next event isn't until 1. i'm at the san francisco public libary reading nymph and using their "quick internet access" computers that automatically reboot every 15minutes, which means i will be getting kicked off in about 30seconds.

people are over, and the language barrier blown bigger. i hide under the covers reading flb, feeling lonelier than ever. the words spun of magic that once blanketed me with hope now locks me into isolation. normal is a setting on the washing machine, but my life is normal. why do i feel as confused as dirk, as misunderstood as witch baby when there is nothing unnatural about me and my upbringing, when i have my secret agent lover man and my duck and the stranger at the door. i have the love they're looking for, but i'm still waiting for the rest.